Every now and again I come across something that helps me gain some new perspective.
This video helped me gain some today. Nicely done, sir!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Don't call it a resolution
I don't like making resolutions for the very reason that they are doomed to fail from the start. Although I think these are the things I'd like to change in 2010:
- Be a better friend
- Get a new tattoo
- Decide if I'm doing grad school or getting a job
- Get back into the dating scene
- Go to more baseball games this summer
- Volunteer somewhere
- Pick up some sort of physical activity (perhaps resume tennis again)
I"m not really sure how well I'll do at any of these things but those are the things I'd like to accomplish this year. I wonder what others are trying to do with themselves?
- Be a better friend
- Get a new tattoo
- Decide if I'm doing grad school or getting a job
- Get back into the dating scene
- Go to more baseball games this summer
- Volunteer somewhere
- Pick up some sort of physical activity (perhaps resume tennis again)
I"m not really sure how well I'll do at any of these things but those are the things I'd like to accomplish this year. I wonder what others are trying to do with themselves?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A first for me
So the other day I went downstairs to grab some dinner. Something happened that has never ever happened before. One of my younger brother's friends that was over visiting that I had never met caught my eye. My brother is 18, almost 19 now and in the past his friends were (a) too young and (b) mostly fuck ups (which I'm not really every attracted to at all. Anyway, I came into the kitchen and immediately was greeted with the whole butterflies in the stomach because he was so good looking kind of feeling. I think he knew what was going on, too because he kept giving me that look that you get when you know someone is checking you out. We have one of those refrigerators that has a filtered water spout inside of it and he was getting some water out of it and he definitely caught me checking out his ass when he did it. My brother has had some good looking friends now and then but this guy was completely utterly beautiful. First time for everything.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My dreams are haunted
I swear it's true! Ok so apparently it didn't post this part of the original blog so I wanted to re post it. Seriously though, I'm the type of guy that has cycles of insomnia and cycles of splendid sleep. I'm currently in a limbo like state between the two. One night it's amazing. The next night it's 6 am and I'm not asleep yet. The one constant has been the intensity of my dreams (and nightmares) for the last 3 months. I'm not too emotionally scarred or anything. My parents divorced young sure but I did not have to deal with anything like child abuse, etc that in my mind leads to the insomnia fueled dreams I seem to have.
I have not spoken to my father in over a year and lately I've been having vivid dreams where either I'm standing at his funeral all alone with a hand full of dead flowers in a big thick black trench coat. Every time I have the dream it seems to be pouring rain. There's a minister. None of his brothers and sisters or nieces or nephews are there. None of my brothers are there. Just me. I'm not crying or emotional. I'm just standing there listening to the minister. Usually I wake up right about the time I go to lay the dead flowers on the gravestone. I also wake up in sweats.
In my fraternity I was super close with really only three of the brothers. All three of them were just like real life brothers to me. They knew a lot about me for the 2 years we knew each other. I often have dreams where I'm sitting in on sessions of us hanging out but I'm also watching the four of us hang out and things will unfold almost exactly as I remember them happening, whether it's just the four of us throwing back a few brews playing poker or us planning out stuff for pledges. Inevitably though what happens is there's a time warp to the robbing of my apartment and all I see is the three of them using the key that I let one of them have as a safety just in case and throwing a HUGE party, breaking half my shit and then stealing the other half. The closest of the three then unplugs my refrigerator letting about $500 worth of food go bad on purpose. I usually wake up from this in some for of a crying state and usually just spend about an hour extremely vulnerable and betrayed. This dream happens a lot lately.
The last really intense dream is that I'm falling out of a hot air balloon. It started about three weeks ago and happens about once every three days it seems. I fear heights like crazy. I refuse to get close to the edge of a balcony if I'm over 10 stories up. I have no issue flying or anything just being on top of buildings.
So for whatever reason my psyche thinks it needs to tell me something about these events and their meaning to my life I just haven't a faint of a clue to what it is.
I have not spoken to my father in over a year and lately I've been having vivid dreams where either I'm standing at his funeral all alone with a hand full of dead flowers in a big thick black trench coat. Every time I have the dream it seems to be pouring rain. There's a minister. None of his brothers and sisters or nieces or nephews are there. None of my brothers are there. Just me. I'm not crying or emotional. I'm just standing there listening to the minister. Usually I wake up right about the time I go to lay the dead flowers on the gravestone. I also wake up in sweats.
In my fraternity I was super close with really only three of the brothers. All three of them were just like real life brothers to me. They knew a lot about me for the 2 years we knew each other. I often have dreams where I'm sitting in on sessions of us hanging out but I'm also watching the four of us hang out and things will unfold almost exactly as I remember them happening, whether it's just the four of us throwing back a few brews playing poker or us planning out stuff for pledges. Inevitably though what happens is there's a time warp to the robbing of my apartment and all I see is the three of them using the key that I let one of them have as a safety just in case and throwing a HUGE party, breaking half my shit and then stealing the other half. The closest of the three then unplugs my refrigerator letting about $500 worth of food go bad on purpose. I usually wake up from this in some for of a crying state and usually just spend about an hour extremely vulnerable and betrayed. This dream happens a lot lately.
The last really intense dream is that I'm falling out of a hot air balloon. It started about three weeks ago and happens about once every three days it seems. I fear heights like crazy. I refuse to get close to the edge of a balcony if I'm over 10 stories up. I have no issue flying or anything just being on top of buildings.
So for whatever reason my psyche thinks it needs to tell me something about these events and their meaning to my life I just haven't a faint of a clue to what it is.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
New day. new blog.
So this one is going to be for real me. None of the nonsense where I'm afraid of who might read it. I'm not going to be divulging my name or letting anyone that I know read it. At least none that I don't want seeing it. I'm not sure what it says that the only blog I can express myself in fully is a secret but it is what it is. This first entry is probably going to wind up going on a bit. I need to get some things out. And I suppose perhaps introduce myself to anyone that might be reading this.
Something I've been meaning to do is that whole 10 things about me no one knows. Mostly because I'm not even sure what I'd say so here goes...
1. I was and still am a HUGE power rangers nerd when i was a kid. Don't care who thinks it's lame. They were awesome!
2.It's unfortunate but I don't trust anyone. It's her fault. Wish it wasn't.
3.I lost my faith about 2 years ago and haven't bothered looking for it ever since.
4. Having all my possessions stolen was one of the best things to happen to me.
5. My fraternity brothers stealing them was the worst.
6. The next time I see my father will be his funeral.
7. And that will be to make sure he really is gone.
8. I often wonder if the child me would like the adult me.
9. I miss the friendship you and I had. I know it's my fault it's over. I'm sorry.
10. I'm positive that if there is a god he'd like me to be happy. whatever that means.
Meh, not as enlightening as I thought it might be.
The real reason I started this blog was so I could just express the parts of my personality that maybe don't fit with the atmosphere of certain areas of life in my world. Ever heard the phrase 'loose lips sink ships'? Well, here, loose lips sink careers, ruin friendships, outcast people from friends and some family which is just silly especially when nothing is certain it's all just curiosity.
Anyway, so to this point in my life I'm 25. I'm a graduate of a great university with multiple degrees. I have taken the LSAT and done what I was told was 'superb' and yet I have not acted on my intentions of law/grad school. To this point I'm just kind of spent on school. I got super bored. I'm not a genius of any kind but school comes easily to me and I'm just ready for some trial by fire real world stuff. I've known since I was about 10 or so that I'd like to be an attorney. In my ideal world though I can just skip the boring school part and just get to it. Arrogant professors are just a waste of time for someone like me. I've been reading the books since 6th or 7th grade. I know what I need to know. Show me where to take the bar exam and lets just get it over with.
I suppose I should go ahead and talk about the one thing that is making me write this blog in secret. Since I was probably in 5th grade I've known that on some level I found guys attractive. This is not to say that I do not find girls attractive either. I have and do. Though I do not think I appreciate the female form as much as I do the male form. It's interesting that as I grow older I see more and more how many different times as an adolescent things *almost* went there but at the last second was misdirected. I also have come to believe those situations only heightened the curiosity in me. I have been with a girl both emotionally and sexually. Only one though. I thought she might be the one (begin cliched story and stupid decision making) and gave her my heart. She decided she was bored and wanted to be unfaithful. Multiple times (end cliched story). The end result is that I no longer trust human beings with anything, especially my feelings. I've only ever had one friend that I have actually been able to speak about my curiosities with and he and I have never actually met in real life. Though I have to say he has been a great friend to talk to about any and all things. As well as someone that has been good to hear that he has felt the same way at times. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling the way I did and do.
In college of course I met tons of guys that I thought were attractive. Where I live is what you might call ultra conservative. The right to bear arms is taken literally in some places. It's just old school. For the most part I love it. Minus the attitude towards progressiveness. On campus of course it's a little better than the surrounding community, it is a university after all, but only to a point. I knew enough people on campus from high school and in my social life that I never felt comfortable enough to try and explore an open sexuality. My junior year I helped start a fraternity and I met a guy that was both someone that would become one of my best friends as well as an intense crush for me. Blake was his name. He was a couple years younger than me and I had known him casually through what I would call my best friend. As the fraternity got started and I was named the founding President he and I grew a lot closer to the point I would have considered him my best friend. He and I hung out more than even I did with my actual brothers. Whenever we had fraternity functions or official trips to go on, like when we went to vegas for the convention, he would travel with me. He made a point to do so. Our relationship was never ever sexual on any level. He had a random thing he would do where he'd walk up next to you and start holding your hand but that's about as much as it'd be. Blake was probably the closest I ever came to actually exploring any sort of homosexuality or relationship with another guy. Multiple times when we were on camping trips or whatnot and we were short on sleeping arrangements he would just hope in bed with me. We were brothers fraternally so I had no problem with it. It was just oddly intimate. I felt a closeness with him I had not felt not even with the one girl I dated and was sexual with. After the betrayal I experienced when he helped in the pillaging of my earthly belongings I have since shut down myself emotionally. The desire is still there and should I meet the right person I want and to an extent need to figure out my feelings one way or another. Thus far though I have not fully recovered from the events of September 2008.
Where am I at in other areas of my life? I have reconnected with some old friends which has been great. Several friendships were extinguished during college that should have lingered and strengthened. I'm glad that I was able to reconnect with some great folks. My older brother and I have rediscovered our friendship since I moved home. He's my hero. Has been since we were little kids, like 5 years old. I had forgotten how much I missed spending time goofing off and getting into trouble with him. He always brought out the trouble maker in me. I like to think I bring out the good things in him to offset it. My relationships with the rest of my family have deteriorated significantly in the last year plus. I have no spoken to my father or step mom in over a year and feel quite certain those relationships are dead forever. Some wounds go too deep to be healed by time or words. I was inspired by someone that will remain nameless for now to return to the celibate life. I have been celibate since the end of my relationship with that girl. I recommitted myself to waiting for either marriage or if I wind up with a guy then it'll have to be a seriously committed relationship.
So that's kind of where things are at for me in life right now. My little quarter life crisis. 2010 is going to be a big year for me. If all goes well I'm hoping to move out West. Perhaps even go back to my hometown and put down some roots. I long for the beach and the sea.
Something I've been meaning to do is that whole 10 things about me no one knows. Mostly because I'm not even sure what I'd say so here goes...
1. I was and still am a HUGE power rangers nerd when i was a kid. Don't care who thinks it's lame. They were awesome!
2.It's unfortunate but I don't trust anyone. It's her fault. Wish it wasn't.
3.I lost my faith about 2 years ago and haven't bothered looking for it ever since.
4. Having all my possessions stolen was one of the best things to happen to me.
5. My fraternity brothers stealing them was the worst.
6. The next time I see my father will be his funeral.
7. And that will be to make sure he really is gone.
8. I often wonder if the child me would like the adult me.
9. I miss the friendship you and I had. I know it's my fault it's over. I'm sorry.
10. I'm positive that if there is a god he'd like me to be happy. whatever that means.
Meh, not as enlightening as I thought it might be.
The real reason I started this blog was so I could just express the parts of my personality that maybe don't fit with the atmosphere of certain areas of life in my world. Ever heard the phrase 'loose lips sink ships'? Well, here, loose lips sink careers, ruin friendships, outcast people from friends and some family which is just silly especially when nothing is certain it's all just curiosity.
Anyway, so to this point in my life I'm 25. I'm a graduate of a great university with multiple degrees. I have taken the LSAT and done what I was told was 'superb' and yet I have not acted on my intentions of law/grad school. To this point I'm just kind of spent on school. I got super bored. I'm not a genius of any kind but school comes easily to me and I'm just ready for some trial by fire real world stuff. I've known since I was about 10 or so that I'd like to be an attorney. In my ideal world though I can just skip the boring school part and just get to it. Arrogant professors are just a waste of time for someone like me. I've been reading the books since 6th or 7th grade. I know what I need to know. Show me where to take the bar exam and lets just get it over with.
I suppose I should go ahead and talk about the one thing that is making me write this blog in secret. Since I was probably in 5th grade I've known that on some level I found guys attractive. This is not to say that I do not find girls attractive either. I have and do. Though I do not think I appreciate the female form as much as I do the male form. It's interesting that as I grow older I see more and more how many different times as an adolescent things *almost* went there but at the last second was misdirected. I also have come to believe those situations only heightened the curiosity in me. I have been with a girl both emotionally and sexually. Only one though. I thought she might be the one (begin cliched story and stupid decision making) and gave her my heart. She decided she was bored and wanted to be unfaithful. Multiple times (end cliched story). The end result is that I no longer trust human beings with anything, especially my feelings. I've only ever had one friend that I have actually been able to speak about my curiosities with and he and I have never actually met in real life. Though I have to say he has been a great friend to talk to about any and all things. As well as someone that has been good to hear that he has felt the same way at times. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling the way I did and do.
In college of course I met tons of guys that I thought were attractive. Where I live is what you might call ultra conservative. The right to bear arms is taken literally in some places. It's just old school. For the most part I love it. Minus the attitude towards progressiveness. On campus of course it's a little better than the surrounding community, it is a university after all, but only to a point. I knew enough people on campus from high school and in my social life that I never felt comfortable enough to try and explore an open sexuality. My junior year I helped start a fraternity and I met a guy that was both someone that would become one of my best friends as well as an intense crush for me. Blake was his name. He was a couple years younger than me and I had known him casually through what I would call my best friend. As the fraternity got started and I was named the founding President he and I grew a lot closer to the point I would have considered him my best friend. He and I hung out more than even I did with my actual brothers. Whenever we had fraternity functions or official trips to go on, like when we went to vegas for the convention, he would travel with me. He made a point to do so. Our relationship was never ever sexual on any level. He had a random thing he would do where he'd walk up next to you and start holding your hand but that's about as much as it'd be. Blake was probably the closest I ever came to actually exploring any sort of homosexuality or relationship with another guy. Multiple times when we were on camping trips or whatnot and we were short on sleeping arrangements he would just hope in bed with me. We were brothers fraternally so I had no problem with it. It was just oddly intimate. I felt a closeness with him I had not felt not even with the one girl I dated and was sexual with. After the betrayal I experienced when he helped in the pillaging of my earthly belongings I have since shut down myself emotionally. The desire is still there and should I meet the right person I want and to an extent need to figure out my feelings one way or another. Thus far though I have not fully recovered from the events of September 2008.
Where am I at in other areas of my life? I have reconnected with some old friends which has been great. Several friendships were extinguished during college that should have lingered and strengthened. I'm glad that I was able to reconnect with some great folks. My older brother and I have rediscovered our friendship since I moved home. He's my hero. Has been since we were little kids, like 5 years old. I had forgotten how much I missed spending time goofing off and getting into trouble with him. He always brought out the trouble maker in me. I like to think I bring out the good things in him to offset it. My relationships with the rest of my family have deteriorated significantly in the last year plus. I have no spoken to my father or step mom in over a year and feel quite certain those relationships are dead forever. Some wounds go too deep to be healed by time or words. I was inspired by someone that will remain nameless for now to return to the celibate life. I have been celibate since the end of my relationship with that girl. I recommitted myself to waiting for either marriage or if I wind up with a guy then it'll have to be a seriously committed relationship.
So that's kind of where things are at for me in life right now. My little quarter life crisis. 2010 is going to be a big year for me. If all goes well I'm hoping to move out West. Perhaps even go back to my hometown and put down some roots. I long for the beach and the sea.
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